STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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