She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
