That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
