I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
