Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
