you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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