he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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