i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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