So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
