Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
