Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
