I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
