she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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