i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
