u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
