Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
