i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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