Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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