On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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