The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
