Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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