My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
