My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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