I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
