hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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