Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
