Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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