never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
