i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
