Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
