Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
