I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize