we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
