Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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