he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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