chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize