I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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