his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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