If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
