Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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