guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As shirtless as possible
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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