I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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