obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
