in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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