Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
