You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
