evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
