One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
