A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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