Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
