Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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