he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
