you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
