im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my shit smells like andre
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
