So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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