It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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