Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
