i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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