I just cut my nipple shaving
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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