I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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