as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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